How do you know when you’re ready to give up trying for a baby?
I’ve woken up this morning feeling incredibly anxious. Like I could burst into tears at any moment.
I know why.
It’s because the last time I did an IVF cycle with an egg retrieval, things turned to shit. Big time.
You see, not only did I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my life because I developed a moderate case of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), but I also fell pregnant, only to be told at about 6 ½ weeks that the pregnancy was unviable and because my progesterone levels were so high, I wouldn’t miscarry naturally for weeks, so I should undergo a medical miscarriage.
I think the thing that best sums it up, is that I feel I could deal with two blows, but not three. And I had three.
I can deal with IVF – in fact, if you count the tracking cycle with timed intercourse, I coasted through five fertility treatments before moving to this cycle. I’ve since had another unsuccessful FET cycle, which I handled pretty well too.
I could deal with OHSS. It was horrible (I’ll do a post about it later). I’d cry every night, but I knew I could get through it.
But, I couldn’t handle the miscarriage. At least, not with these other things too. It’s too much for someone to bear.
I thought that if, once I used the eggs in the freezer, things didn’t work out, then I’d quit or at least take a break for a year.
I’ve invested years into this and while I’ve grown immensely and discovered that I’m tougher than I think I am, I’m sick of having my life on hold. I’m sick of always being conscious of what I’m eating or drinking or how much exercise I’m doing. I’m sick of always being conscious of when I’m ovulating, and knowing that knowing doesn’t help me get pregnant. I’m sick of my body being a science experiment and my emotions being a punching bag.
But, I really do want to have a baby.
I’m anxious because my period is due to start today or tomorrow and I’m all too aware that history could repeat itself.
Because I’ve decided to go through it all again. And again. And again if that is what it takes.
When it came to the crunch I realised that despite what I’ve been through, I really would move heaven and earth to have a baby.
Fingers crossed I don’t have to. 🙂
Wish me luck…